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(written last night. I'm at the library right now. I crashed hard yesterday. Trying to pull out of it. I'll get there but it will take a long time.)
I feel as if I'm - no, I AM mourning the loss of both my parents and Dana as well. Dana is out there somewhere and I've lost hope of ever reaching her. It's Thursday evening, December 28th, and I'm typing at the dining room table crying. Yeah, seriously, go fuck yourself if you're the kind of asshole that would think less of me for it, I'm crying. I have a right to this. It's goddamn New Year's Eve 1987 all over again with Lori Hamilton. First time I ever cried as an adult, cried until I started laughing, and then cried again, started after the fireworks started going off. I'd tried to sleep through the fucking turn of the year but couldn't.
What a joke. I put my name on the Franklin dedication plaque that's supposed to be up, the
I am desperate for a reason why I shouldn't be angry with Dana, any reason at all. I'd latch onto that fucker and cling to it. Dana, stand up for yourself, tell me I don't get it. Tell me you're depressed, tell me anything. Or have someone tell me, as long as I know it's from you. Is there any reason at all why I shouldn't feel betrayed? It's okay to not know what to say or how to say it, it's okay to not know what to do. Just...I need some sign of humanity from you. Dammit, Dana, I care about you. Does that hold no value for you? You used to be a friend. My great sin was wanting you to stay alive. That was my offense. You still won't forgive me for it.
I wish ESP worked both ways so she could feel some of this. "I wish i could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you." She liked that movie. Copper hair, a "coppertop", dream symbolism for psychism, sending and receiving: copper is conductive. Ironic choice. Looks beautiful on her.
Oh, god, Dana. Please help me. Just as the friend you once were, please help. Please hear me. I don't even have Facebook anymore, I can't reach out there. It's this or nothing. You were a friend, and I don't have the slightest idea how that went wrong, what made you turn away. I honestly don't. What did I do??
I acted out of fear fro your life, and that gets me banned from it. Please explain this to me.
Please reach out to someone who will help us through this. There's nothing more I can do. I'm barely keeping it together for myself
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(written earlier)
So. Dana has what she wants now.
Speechless. You cause devastation to the heart of someone you claim to care about and then you just... walk away, stop looking, put it out of your head and call it over. Because it's not your problem, right? The people who care about you, they don't matter.
Dana could have at least given me a sign that it mattered to her...that maybe she at least felt a little bad about it. 'I Bet My Life'. No, Dana, you bet mine. And I lost.
And here's a radical thought for you, Dana, I respect you so much more if I was right than if I was wrong. If I was wrong and THIS is your response to it?? If I was right...then you were, you ARE worth fighting for. Dana, I wanted to marry you and I still do. I love you and I always will.
What kind of person do you want to be, Dana? What does compassion mean to you?
I kept hoping someone would step in and help sort things out between us. A couple people volunteered years ago, asked if I wanted them to approach her for me. I didn't want to put them in the middle. I'd have accepted this time, I'm desperate to heal, but it wouldn't have mattered. Any approach from me, even indirect via third party, would have been rebuffed. She has to be the one who reaches out from now on. And, y'know, SHE could have asked someone to do that for her if it had fucking meant something to her. She didn't. Anything would have helped. "She doesn't want to lose your friendship but is having trouble knowing what to say." "She's sorry this is hurting both of you, and she is asking for time." "She's depressed, she is having trouble dealing with it, she didn't mean to hurt you." (I very much don't want her to be depressed, it's living hell.) Anything. It STILL would help, she could still save this situation. It's not too late. It's in her hands.
I have to wonder, is there anyone she has talked about this with? Does she confide in someone? Does she even feel a need to? Any heartache AT ALL over this?
Seriously, please, if one of you FBers has been in touch with her or is willing to do do, would you ask her if she at least feels bad about this? I need to know. It would help.
If there's any healing this, it has to come from Dana. It can't be me. I've tried. She has what she wants and to hell with the people who were stupid enough to give a damn about her. Compassion is nothing more to her than a pretty picture on her skin.
Moving to New York is not going to set me free. I will never be free of this.
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I do have another masonite board, 14x18. If I have time, once my stuff is really ready to be moved, I'll try to use it. There's a major drawing to finish, that must come first. Need to see what material I have. I want to be looser like the last, more experimental. Masonite is perfect for the used fabric softener sheets, so that's possible. I still have some Mod Podge to bind them to the surface. Or I could stick with paint (possibly with crayon again). I don't have an image in mind but then I can't start yet anyway.
No, not the dryer sheets. The point with those is to color them, then layer them as if they were paint. Will take too long and I may not have enough. (Note to self, check to see if the things are even sold anymore.)
I wonder if Dana ever saw 'Comforter'. I hope so. Wish I knew what she thought of it. I meant what I said, her work gave me the courage to do that piece. She should be proud of herself for that even if she didn't think much of my painting. I want to talk about art with her. I remember she said she prefers color to b&w (it wasn't a snub).
I've meant every goddamn thing I've ever said to her, the loving and the anger from hurt alike. My heart will always be irreparably broken without at least closure from her. I will always be of two souls, the cherishing and the hurt, coexisting but at war with each other. I could never fall out of love with her the way things are. If only she cared enough to give me peace I could go my way easier. Isn't that what she wants? Can she really care so little about the damage she leaves in her wake, the people she hurts? Especially when the people she hurts are the ones who love her most, loyal fierce friends? I'd have given my life for her.
And she was worried what I thought of her in '88. Right, because trying to save someone's life means you think they're terrible. What the fuck is she punishing me for, what did I do to her? Can she not even tell me that?
God, Dana, what's wrong with you?
Will anyone help?? If not me, then help her. Help her bring this to a close she can walk away from feeling good about.
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I found an experiment in crayon from some years ago, her portrait. Didn't work, all beginner's craft, but it could be a springboard for layering with more crayon or maybe paint. Or something. I'll pack it to go. I tried rubbing alcohol and the work improved some but the wax isn't fresh enough. Plus I'm almost out and it's not worth it to buy more just now. Maybe the dollar store will have some. Mmph, I remember now, there's a spot where I got the dimensions wrong and overcompensated trying to fix it. Not sure how I'll handle that. Not gonna point it out either.
If anyone who has been talking with her is reading this, speak up.
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