A question for Dana

Dana, I'm hoping against hope that you will somehow look in, because I can't reach you any other way and I have to ask this.  And it's a...it's difficult to word and still be unclear to anyone else.

A month ago I sent you a private message on Facebook, and you responded by blocking me from PMing you again.  And I don't know what it was I said that made you do that.  I can only guess it was one of two things.  It might have been the song, that you were waiting for me to figure out you weren't going to speak with me again...and when I asked if that was what you had in mind you shut me down.  Or it was me saying that you had never asked what I thought of things as they were or what I could handle or understand, if you'd been able to have a bit of faith in me.  I understand that you couldn't back then but you've had thirty years to sort things out in you head and heart.  Putting it delicately.   I don't know why me saying either of those would have made you react by blocking me.   Please help me to understand you.

So, I'm taking a wild guess that maybe something about the second thing I said shook up your understanding of things both then and now.  Maybe because it's what you've based your response to me on for thirty years, I took that away from you because it was never true.  Maybe for just a moment Shiva looked in on your world.  I do sincerely hope I've shaken your view of me, because the old one hurt me to the core. 

So.  How do I ask this? 

If I was right back then, and if...things haven't changed that much?  Please have some faith in me this time.  I want your friendship back. Is that the real reason you still refuse to speak to me?   God, I hope you look in here at some point, it's the only way I can ask this. 

If I'm wrong, if I was always wrong... I don't care any more if you find that insulting, I've lost you anyway over something that should never have cost me your friendship.  That's unreasonable, and honestly...as a friend, it's unworthy of you.  If that's what happened, I'm ashamed of having thought you were worth the fight.  I don't think I was wrong.  I'm such an idiot, I should have asked you this while I could still message you privately on FB.  Fuck, how could I let that chance slip through my fingers?  I was so close to finally having peace in my heart again. 

I think maybe in some measure you were afraid of me before  because you thought I'd get hurt and you didn't want to be responsible for it?  And that happened anyway, but not the way you anticipated.  In other words, I think maybe it's yourself you've been afraid of.  I was never afraid of you that way.  What happened instead is so much worse.

If I'm way off base...well, whose fault is that?  I can only work with what I know and you won't tell me anything. Please let me have peace, if I must say goodbye after waiting so long for reconciliation, at least let me keep some piece of my heart and sanity.  Let some part of my soul remain intact.  Show me that compassion actually means something to you.  Please put this right.

Dana, I want to forgive you.   I don't think this is even going to reach you.  It's like throwing a bottle with a message in it into the sea.