Resurrection?

In some ways I will be glad to be gone from this life - I wish I could say that literally because I'm more than ready for that peace - from life here in Portland, from a good half of my family...from one insane, hostile, hate-filled sister and one sociopathic brother in particular.  I'll be glad to never see them again.  This could be a rebirth.  Jesseca cares about me, more than Dana ever has.  But Jesseca has her husband, I will only be a friend. 

I had wanted to marry Dana someday, and barring that at least be in her life.  The only ambition I've ever had in life had been to spend it with Dana, to mean something positive to her.  I've meant something to her alright, something she feels she has to be  rid of at all costs even to the point of treating me with contempt as she has for three decades.  Even reconciliation, even closure, is more than she can do as it means having to speak to me - a thing she cannot tolerate.  Even explaining it to me means breaking that imperative, so not only can I not have her friendship, I can't know why.  She has no idea how badly my heart is broken and doesn't want to know.  The promise of hope she offered in early October, she rescinded.  I don't know why she made it if she didn't mean it.  She got me through my mother's death with that false promise, anyway.  Now I have literally nothing left I desire to live for.  I sure don't want to stick around for more of the same shit, things just keep getting worse in ways large and small.  It's a promise of a future spent empty and hurt.  Why the fuck would I want it?? Dana is counting on me to accept that I will never hear from her again: her peace depends on my continued suffering. 

I want fucking out.  And that's a peace no one will let me have.  I've got strangers online sending police to my door to make sure I'm not committing suicide (which I wasn't)...that was the right thing for him to do, no question, but fucking hell let this pain end one way or another.

It isn't just that I'm in love with Dana, it never was that by itself.  There's a backstory about the rift that developed between us.  I can't discuss it because I'm still very protective of her despite the ice-cold way she's treated me all these years, her uncanny way of making me feel worthless.  She knows she's been cruel, but she continues to be so.  No pang of conscience stirs her to put this right.  So I continue to be heartbroken, not only for the abiding love I hold for her but also very much for our lost friendship.  My arms have always been open to her.  She never steps into them. 

It's like she resents actually meaning anything to anyone, I knew someone else like that.  Maybe if I didn't give a shit about her I'd still be welcome in her life.  I have to become someone I never wanted to be, someone I don't even like - indifferent, uncaring, cold to life and feeling.  Maybe that's the kind of person she wants anyway.  But those aren't her values.  Her values seem to be mine.  More's the loss.

My only hope is that I will have a rebirth in New York.  Maybe I can be someone different.  Maybe it will be a different life.  If only I could forget Dana Marie Cooper ever existed.  If only I could forget I ever existed.  There are people who have accidents that erase their memories and identities.  Some  even awaken with radically different personalities.  How I envy them.