9 PM, Saturday December 23rd. Just finished watching D.O.A. (1988) Luminous poison has been absorbed into Dex Cornell's system and he has less than forty-eight hours to discover who killed him and why. What he learns is how to feel alive again. I saw this movie at the cinema when it came out in early '88. I had recently come close to suicide. I walked home from this movie in a gentle nighttime rain, feeling much the same as Dex: alive. I've got Chaz Jankel's vibrant score in my head and in my heart.
I have no idea what the future holds for me. I have no idea if Dana will be in it, whether I can change her mind. It looks unlikely.
Whoever is reading this blog must be wondering what's going on in my head despite my constantly spilling it onto the screen. (er - possibly a bad choice of imagery there...) The simplest explanation is that I'm just goddamn venting in order to stay sane. The secondary explanation and obvious primary motive is that it's a desperate attempt to get through to Dana. Communication is important to me. Ever see Close Encounters? Communication and faith are the major themes of that movie. Roy Neary has experienced a mystery and must know the answers. He tries desperately to communicate this primal need but the people around him cannot understand, some of them consciously refusing to hear him. This was something I could relate to from childhood, the inability to get anyone to take me seriously when it most mattered to me on a personal level. In adulthood, Dana Cooper has become my Devil's Tower. I may never make it there.
There is a third reason for this blog. It's the reason I started the other two, and the reason I registered with Facebook to begin with. It's the most basic thing in the world, and the truest of all of these. I want Dana to know me as I am. All the weaknesses, all the strengths. I don't know that she ever has, really. I think her view of me n the past was something else entirely. I may not have her in my life again. Well, then, I want to know that she left me finally knowing who it was she let go. It's there, in my reviews, in my art, in my faults, in my passions. For that matter, I'm okay with anyone else seeing me as I am as well. For the moment at least, that's what this blog is. That's all. One simple goal.
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December 24th, Christmas Eve, 6:30 PM. Saw Darkest Hour with Scott a few hours ago. I've a few movies picked out to choose from tonight but I'm listening to music instead. Tori Amos 'Midwinter Graces', Kate Bush '50 Words for Snow', Wyndham Hill "A Winter's Solstice III'. 'Toys' soundtrack. It snowed today, the first of the season.
Though my heart is full of longing, it is also at peace tonight (well, right now anyway). I am indulging in what is probably a lie. One of my prophecy dreams of reconciliation had Dana coming back to me at the first snow (presumably not literal). While she won't be showing up at my door tonight, maybe in her heart she is finding tonight the inner peace she needs to turn to me as a friend once more. While it lasts I am taking comfort in...this...this hope, this delusion, this daydream. On the dining room table is a candle burning, scented pine berry, I am beginning to warm an oil called 'Home From a Walk in the Woods', and a wand of frankincense is burning. I am sitting at the front picture window with most of the house lights off or dimmed, enjoying the beauty of the snow. Let it snow, let the world be gentled by this soft quietude. I do love the world, the people in it. Let me have faith in her for this one evening.
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Christmas Day. Nearing 10 PM. Day was nice enough, uneventful. Listened to The Nutcracker, watched Willy Wonka. De-packaged a great many DVDs and slipped them into paper envelopes in hopes of saving my collection. Sky is clearing, snow and ice are melting. I hope for more snow soon but if it disappears it means I will get back to the library in a few days. Dinner turned out well with a crisp green salad, stuffing, and some Euro styled bacon. If I am awake later I'll have a piece of pumpkin pecan pie. Falling asleep quickly now, though. Was hoping to see another movie.
Took four melatonin pills last night to help sleep. No dreams worth recalling - not just no appearance by Dana but none that were even interesting in their own right. One hypnagogic flash, an icon at the bottom of my computer screen: an envelope with a pink or red heart over it, and I think there was a white numeral '1' in its center. One email, sent with love. Probably just a dream, we'll see when I can get online again.
Hypnagogia. I love that word, very exotic. If you look up the terms hypnagogic or hypnopompic you're going to find them defined as hallucinations. Really, they're just the dream state breaking into the waking state when you're bordering both.
Yesterday's state of grace won't last but it got me through the day. I've had days like that before. They were always self-induced hope that didn't pan out. Dana has not appeared in my dreams or dreamlets for weeks. I cannot sense her presence at all. She's right there on FB but she is as unreachable as if we were in separate dimensions.
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December 27th, quarter after 10AM. Looks like a snow sky again, and one of my nieces heard it was supposed to drop some freezing rain soon. I've called her a couple of times this morning to see if she's heard the weather. The last ice hasn't melted yet but if I don't go now it might be another week before I can get to the library. I'm having one of those reverse-Midas days too, where everything I touch turns to shit.
Please let there be a message waiting for me from Dana.
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