Again, no personal offense but all family members are requested to fuck off right now. Stop spying on me. It's none of your business.
A new year.
Can't say I've noticed. Not yet. Anything new, that is. Something will change, but not right away. Can't guess what.
I was right about needing space to be able to revive my art. I tried before for several years and was unable. Having some space the past month, I was able to begin and complete a painting. If I can get the house cleared and get some more time before I leave, I should be able to repeat that. I wonder what kind of time I might find in New York. I'll have to work at paying for my stay there.
New Year's Eve was uneventful except that I landed another damn cold. I've just about lost my voice - how apropos is that?? Oy.
On the morning of the 31st I saw Dana in a dream, but (I think) it was of the past and not current. She was happy in it, though, enjoying herself. That seemed hopeful, also the fact that I've never had a dream remotely like it before regarding her - could signal that something has changed somehow, maybe a breakthrough. Also a quick succession of hypnopompic dreamlets that were all upbeat but didn't make a lot of sense. Suggests maybe last post made a difference If so and in what way remains to be seen. I heard a string of 'thank you's that did not especially seem directed my way, might have been or maybe were said to God, like "thank you, he's giving up". One was a vision of a blog page that looked like mine with a post titled "A New Dimension" and Dana saying "you changed things", meaning either I have affected the way she sees things...or that she thinks I've misrepresented things. And I heard her say the strange phrase "I'm a winner and it's a picture." Eh? Okay, well, never mind the picture, the first part could be the self-affirmation I was hoping for or it could be her gloating that she beat me. I can only wait and see if I hear from her, then I'll know. Did I finally break through the wall between us or is she jubilant over my defeat?
Did I say something that opened the cage? Oh, let it be true!
Which picture, and what did that mean? Or is all of it from my imagination alone? Certainly over %99 of my dreams are just dreams, it's just...which few are more than that? Which ones do I ignore? 'All of them', you're saying, I know, but it's impossible to dismiss the ones that give me hope. The best I can do is to remain open to the possibilities. But, see, that's what drives me crazy, being of two minds at the same time. I've tried not to be but can't.
Practice and history have conditioned me to expect frost and silence from Dana. As always. On that score she has never let me down. So why the kindness from her just that one time in October? That was a complete surprise. And why can't she do it again? Or, why won't she?
I might not be making it to the library this week at all, depending how long this cold goes. Bad enough I have to keep going out to the garage, it's freezing cold out there, aggravates my cough and prolongs illness. I gave Dana my street address in October, I wish she'd use it and write an actual letter. I've asked Scott to send Jesseca a message to let her know she might not hear from me this week.
Had another brief dream of Dana this morning (January 1st) but like the last one it was also set in the past. Nothing of her in the present nor of her reacting to me.
It's difficult to reach sleep, this cold has had me at that juncture where you're desperate for sleep but your throat/cough/sinuses won't allow it. Took til past three or four to get any last night. Slept a little more today. No sleep means no dreams.
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Was just thinking...it's something I feel quite often but have almost never put into words...Dana makes me feel as if...I think she's ashamed of having me as a friend, embarrassed to have her friends learn she even knows me. I've felt that from the start, from late '88 on, but never acknowledged it. Now that I've put words to it, it has the ring of truth to it.
***********
One of the stupidest wastes about this is entirely on me for never having been able to get over her. It's my prophetic dreams of a future with her. Only one ever gave me a glimpse beyond reconciliation, and it was emotionally ambiguous (or worse, neutral). In none of them did I ever even see us particularly happy together after reconciliation - or unhappy for that matter. I saw us (over and over) happy to be reunited, joyous and relieved, and eager for each other's comfort*. We embrace in every last one. I saw and felt love. Each was heavily tinged with sadness, presumably for the damage we'd already done to each other or for the time needlessly lost in finding each other again. I never saw anything of where it would lead - joy and fulfillment, or more mistrust, miscommunication, and heartbreak. I saw us in Africa, of all things, on vacation together. The mood was impossible to read.
I wonder...if she were to change her mind, would trust come back easily? I mean, what would it take for me to trust her?
A good number of the people I know who are spiritual believe that whatever happens is meant to happen. It strikes me as curious that they should feel this way as they never had psychic dreams filled with absolute promises of a particular future, yet the atheist (waves hand) did and struggles so much with what to do. If I go to New York I don't see how I can join Dana's life in California...but if I'm in New York I will be in physical proximity of Jesseca, so I'll be right there when she crashes and with Brian can finally be of real help. Maybe I'm supposed to go to New York just as I (believe that I) am meant to have a reconciliation with Dana as well. They could both happen...maybe? Yet they seem to me opposed. One of those two things can happen by my choice, the other is in someone else's hands. Dana's, primarily, or those of her God. In theory, both could come to pass. But I can't see how. Reconciliation was a promise made by whatever force - by a god, by life itself, maybe some event loop I tapped into. It's a promise that has never been kept. It wasn't made by Dana, who had no part in devising it and has no reason to fulfill it. I'm not angry at her for that but for her complete betrayal of me as a friend, which is far far worse if I was wrong to begin with.
***********
Wednesday 3rd, still sick, sinuses stuffy now too. Thought about retitling the post 'Great Expectorations'. How about 'Sick Bastard'? No, wait, I've got it...(amends title). Had my first sleep in days - not long, not deep, no Dana in my dreams. Not getting enough work done on my stuff, the constant coughing and need for sleep. Sent Karla several messages via Lore and John that I can't finish the bathroom without more 409 and rags. Trying to avoid going out in the cold but I need to check the mail and hit the garage occasionally, do the garbage and recycling, etc. Laundry. Doesn't help, cough kicks in automatically every time, gets worse again. Oh, repeating myself. Ugh. Hate preparing meals like this, too, not even hungry, need more zappable food. Soft for my ripped-up throat.
'New dimension'. Yeah, I hope Dana's seeing it and thinks so, but fuck - been trying to tell her for three decades. It ain't that new. Message has most certainly been out there for her to see. She wouldn't. Probably still refuses to even now, damn her.
I have part of an image in mind but it needs developing. There's a spot in the bathroom where I took off a guardrail, the circle it left behind and the screwholes created what looked a charming 'Man in the Moon' face. I would like to put that in a blue sky, and Dana under it with her copper hair. Copper, blue, and for the moon a bright-pale green/yellow/white. I'm liking the colors. Most vibrant should be her hair. I don't have a pose or a setting, or any idea what she should be wearing. Hoping for inspiration. Don't want realism, with that moon. I could do this large with crayons or use paint on the smaller masonite...eh, the masonite is too small for what I want, but that's the approach I'd prefer for the sake of more vibrant color. Well, the image is as yet incomplete in my head anyway. I need a third element to bring it together. Not looking for a concept or a message, the colors are what I want to be driven by. Before I saw that moon I had considered her in a halo of snow because I thought it would lend itself to a pleasing color and texture scheme, but "frozen Dana" is a little too on-the-nose.
I could do her as an angel but that doesn't feel right either for a couple of reasons. This is not a diss... Dana is no angel. She is a vibrant and very much alive human being with the inherent weaknesses and strengths of an individual. For all that I cherish her I've never idealized her or put her on a pedestal. In the past couple of months I've come to think of her lovingly as 'brazen angel', and unless she asks me otherwise that's how I'm always going to think of her. I once read where her looks had been compared to an angel which I'm sure was meant as an endearment yet I got an impression somehow (a dream, I think) that she never liked that much.
Friday, still sick but symptoms letting up some. Have to cancel stepping out Saturday evening. Maybe make it to library on Monday?
Monday 8th 11:30 AM, 409 fumes and having to go out in the cold prevent my symptoms fully clearing. Hoping to make it to the library today or tomorrow. If there's no message from Dana then I guess I'll know.
# # # # #
Library, quarter past 5 PM. I thnk the reason Dana posted to me in October was probably so Tammy wouldn't think badly of her. No messages from Dana or anyone else.
*Remember, I had these dreams long before there was ever any rift between us.
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