...aaaaaaaaaaaaaand probably delusional too.

The initial post of this blog gives you the essential reason I believe in ESP, and why for me it is wrapped up in dreams.  What I haven't explained is the problem it created.

Back in...'81?  I was briefly infatuated with a girl named Mara.  Lasted maybe a week.  I had been on the verge of approaching her when one night I had a dream.  I won't detail that dream, but it was the first that had a peculiar intensity that I later would come to think of as "that kind" of dream.  As Jesseca would say, "Usual Caveats Apply".   UCA.  It was vivid, tactile, and very immediate, and I awoke with a mad conviction - an utter certainty - that it had been a vision and not a dream.  Mind you, because it was delivered as a dream it was staged with a number of symbols.  It was set in an unspecified future year,  after 2010, and in it there was a woman...and I knew that I knew her, I knew she looked like someone I knew, but I couldn't place her.  She looked like Dana, I'd later realize.  That's hindsight, which is highly suspect and given to misreading after-the-fact...just sayin', I'm aware. But that was hardly the only dream.  Most aspects of it are coming true currently, read a certain way (if you spin things just so)...but not that one vital moment: the recognition of compassion, the opening of the heart, the embrace.

If I believed in God, I'd have believed that dream was a message.  "Mara's not the one.  There's someone else.  This WILL happen."

It was a startling dream.  I awoke immediately from it, believing with all my heart that I had glimpsed something vitally important about my future.  I knew this woman would be the love of my life someday.  I also was suddenly aware that Mara was a complete cypher to me, and was over her instantly.  I had fallen for her to help recover from Diane Schwartz. 

I had a number of other dreams, and in these I was fully aware at the time that it was Dana in them.  At least one was while I was in high school, a few more when Dana first arrived in California, and a few when we first started writing to each other in '88.  In these I saw the future again, some unknown date after 2010.  Each dream showed me the same thing in a different way - a long separation, a rift, pain, depression, heartache, ended by a heartfelt reconciliation.

At the time I had those dreams, no such rift had yet occurred.  Nor was it a self-fulfilling prophecy.  When it happened in real life, it took us both by surprise.  It was unavoidable.

If I believed in God, I'd have believed these visions of reunion were a solemn promise.  Especially after in real life the rift came true.  But I cannot hold Dana responsible for a promise that wasn't made by her but by some God I don't even believe in.

Could only the worst aspect of those dreams - the separation - have been prophecy?  Why did every dream show us re-uniting when we had never even been apart? They all felt like "that kind".
Over the last thirty years I have had more dreams of Dana, some of which were definitely psychic: they contained specific details I couldn't have known yet later were corroborated as having been true.

Over the last few years dreams of her have become exceedingly rare, now I almost never have any...usually if I do it's no more than a hypnagogic or hypnopompic flash (those brief dreamlet moments you have while either falling asleep or waking up).  That infrequency is part of the reason I think she has put me out of her thoughts entirely.  There was a link between us that I think Dana has finally managed to kill off completely in her heart.  That, and her insistent silence despite knowing she has hurt me deeply.

But maybe you see the problem regarding the dreams?  Every time I dream of her, I have to wonder...was this only a figment of my psyche (I'm telling myself a pleasing romantic lie), or was some aspect of this dream really her?  Because, see,  some of these dreams prolong my hope.  If they really are just dreams and nothing more, then my own heart has been as cruel to me as she has been.

If I did believe in God...at this point, and after what my family has been put through over the past few years, the unnatural, unrelenting way it has been piled up on us...I would have to believe that God is an evil fucking bastard who delights in hurting good people for no reason.  I don't want to insult anyone of faith, and that includes Dana...but God is smiling right now.

In September, I had one of those dreamlets, a hypnopompic flash, an unidentified voice speaking.  The voice said "It's coming true."  There was no explanation as to just what might be coming true.  Probably just a dream.  UCA.  Two days later mom went into the hospital.  She never came home.  And Dana responded to me on Facebook.  She did.  She was speaking to me.  She was finally able to speak to me.  The block was gone.  The wall was down.  Dana felt free to speak to me.

Except she won't.  Still.  By choice, by design.  I can no longer console myself with the hope that it's just a block for her to overcome, she really means to do that to me regardless of the damage she knows she's doing  to someone she knows loves her and is a loyal friend

Would someone please tell me how the FUCK I am supposed to feel about this?  I've TRIED 'just getting over it'.