Goodbye, Dana

I'm at the library today for the net access and was hoping there would have been a message from you.  There can be no doubt this time that your silence is a wish and a choice you've made.  It isn't a block.   All of this, these posts, efforts to reach you, to move you have been for nothing.   You knew the one thing that would hurt me most - your silence leaving me in the dark - and nothing deterred you from it.

Like you, Scott is a believer.  He tries to console me with words about how life isn't over yet, how I may hear from you someday though it may take a lifetime.  He means well but has no idea how horrible that is - for you to come looking for me to make things right only at the ends of our lives when there s nothing left of them to share.  How I would hate you for that. I don't know what your reasons are.  It doesn't matter, it comes to the same thing: I'm damned.   I believe that if there is a God then God is a sick fucking monster who hates his creation and is only happy when we suffer. 

Goodbye, Dana.  I will not forget your unkindness to me. How many times I've wished over the years that I could finally learn how to hate you, and be done with this pain.  Maybe this time if I'm lucky.