Null Christmas

I used to love Christmas.  I have warm memories of going to Mall 205 with my parents and seeing the huge animatronic displays up and down the mall, the colored lights everywhere, the aromas of the foods, the flavors, the sounds of little bells, the Christmas albums from the Fifties my parents would play.  For many years it was an informal tradition for the kids of several families to gather and watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  For you Philistine's who re unsure, that's the Gene Wilder version.

Then for a while I hated Christmas for being a reminder of another year gone by that I knew Dana would spend with her family and no thought of reaching out to me. 

And I've hated it for losing the things that made it Christmas for me, hated it for becoming something you couldn't celebrate unless you went out and bought it prepackaged from a major retailer.  Christmas used to be richer, like Halloween.  If you're my age, you can recall the great variety if candies you brought home from trick-or-treating.  They included lollipops and suckers of all flavors and sizes.  Some of the were huge orange platters made to look like pumpkins, the details painted on in white.  Today kids get the same for to eight candy bars in worthless 'Fun Sized' miniature.  The same two or three companies own Halloween and they've reduced the product to the bare minimum.  Fun, right?  That's how I feel about Christmas.  It's...so much less than it was.

The one thing I've always enjoyed every year was setting up the tree.   Until this year I'd managed to build a stockpile of ornaments and lights for many combinations of colors.  Karla has those (I'm glad they won't be thrown out), and while I have a  smaller tree and set from Jesseca those were among the first things I packed to make sure I could keep them.  My best tree might have been the year I decked it our in purple and gold.  That was gorgeous.  And  every year I'd set out the Department 51 Dickens Village houses.  Nobody bought them, they should have sold for Christmas.  My brother took them.  I couldn't have kept them anyway, I'm trying to keep too much as it is.

New Year's Eve became painful emotionally too, for the same reasons...bad memories (see the post about overcoming two blocks)...but I'd always make a cashew butter pie and have Bailey's Irish Cream with a piece.   Got a birthday coming up in January, what I want mos s a bottle of Bailey's. 

This year I can't get a handle on Christmas at all.  I'm in the house alone, and the house is a mess of boxes to sort and pack. There won't be any decorations.  My parents are gone.  Dinner will be whatever the hell I feel up to cooking, some random thing or a frozen dinner if I don't have the spirit for it.  I have a few Christmas movies to watch, some Christmas music to listen to - Oh, damn, I won't even have this posted until after Christmas most likely, just realized.   No TV anymore, so no commercialization.  No contact with friends except Scott, and we just go see movies.  I'm sure we won't be seeing the lights at the Grotto this year or attending the singers.  I feel neither happy nor sad for the holiday...I feel nothing at all.   Christmas doesn't exist this year.  I don't know if that's a loss or a blessing.  I think maybe it's a loss, but if it passes without leaving a mark maybe that's for the best.

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A year ago I bought a pack of frankincense made at one of Scott's favorite monasteries, and I've been burning a stick every few days.  It's an aroma traditional to the faith, right?  And it's Christmas. This stuff is pungent!   Getting used to it a little but not a favorite scent.   No, I've not converted, I've been doing this as a...I dunno, can't think of a good word for it but I burn them with Dana in mind.  Dana believes.  I guess in a sense I burn them for Dana like a prayer.  Don't know if it helps soothe my heart or not. 

YUH AHH TEAHH-ING ME APAAHT, DAY-NA!!
(ahem.  If you go see The Disaster Artist, stay for the post-credits scene.)

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What do I want for Christmas?  They've finally stopped putting kettle corn in those tins, it's back to buttered, cheese, and caramel.  So that's what I want.  Popcorn and a drink.  Kahlua would be great, maybe with soda and creamer.  I'll watch Rifftrax' Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, and Star Trek the Motion Picture.  I could try to describe how it felt getting the Jerry Goldsmith score from Eastport Plaza at Christmastime, all the evening snow and lights, the colorful Bob Peake artwork...but words can't sum up the quality of the moment.  ST:TMP came out Christmas of '79...it's about a family reunion of sorts, it's rated G, and the larger V'ger interior looks like a Christmas tree.  You can't get much more Christmassy than that.
Maybe I'll dig out my VHS of Willy Wonka and watch that on Christmas.  I still haven't gotten rid of that stash yet.

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I'm looking for my next image and want to do something in paint again.  I very much want to do something more loose like my last, I ended up feeling like that could be a huge step forward for me if I pursue it.  It has a little of my touch in that I focused on getting the feel of the textures, and I want to continue with that.  The colors are vibrant (go back and see the pic I added, colors much closer to true), and I ended up even really liking the final texture once the satin sealer was applied.  I still have some stuff to work with or that I could add to the paint for effect.  What I don't have yet is the masonite or the time.  Not sure if the enamels from my modeling days are any good still, either.  I really want to do a portrait of Dana with her copper hair.  That I could do on paper in crayon, blending it with rubbing alcohol.  It would be easier, though, if I had her FB page open but (a) I absolutely do not want to look at her page when I feel this shitty, it just makes me feel worse, and  (b) net access is restricted to library visits anyway. 

I have a bunch of fabric softener sheets I saved, as I've a couple ideas how to use them in a painting.  What I've never had was an image in mind.  That's still a creative hangup Dana could teach me about.  I wonder if they still make those sheets?  I could use more.  I'm supposed to be throwing things out and here I am still wanting to use them.