Friday, January 19th.
It's my birthday today. right now it's a little after eight in the morning. Yesterday was a good day, today I didn't want to get out of bed. I slept all night, unusual, had dreams that were unremarkable. Woke up knowing the reconciliation with Dana won't happen. It's the only thing I was living for, I've waited thirty years for it, and she's walked away again. There will be no winning her attention for another try, this was it. I want to go back to bed and sleep until the day is over. Actually, I don't want to wake up. I would like to die in my sleep. I just get up day after day. There's no sense to it.
John wanted me moved into mom's room by now but Karla needs the room as she had to come into town for eye surgery. Obviously she can't leave until she can see to drive safely again. I'm going as fast as I can boxing my stuff, but now I am supposed to 409 the kitchen as well. Last time it was the bathroom. Before that it was 'move it somewhere else 'cuz it can't be where it is' after which the reasoning for it would fall through. I fully expect to get yelled at and lectured again by somebody. Some of my stuff can't be packed up yet, I still use it day to day.
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Jesseca has a posse of friends in New York, though she says she doesn't see them often outside of pagan functions. Figure I'll meet them, and I wonder if a romantic spark will emerge anywhere. I hope so only because I'm so tired of being alone. Problem is, my feelings for Dana always got in the way before and they still aren't changing now...well, I'm not entering a post-Dana era, I've already been in it all these years. It just didn't function that way. I couldn't see past the promise of visions or my misplaced faith in her as a friend. And my love for her refuses to leave me be.
Caridad (met online) wasn't wanting a romantic connection, and she pulled away when I started to talk seriously with her. I think she mistook me needing someone to confide in as me falling for her. I could have, though. At first she hooked up with me because she thought I was gay and that turned her on. I liked her, every now and then I wonder how she's doing, what's up with her. I hope everything's good for her.
There's the post title, btw. One of Cari's old screen names incorporated pthalo blue.
Huh. I think Cari lived in New York. No, I'm not jonesing for Caridad. I'm wondering who might be out there, and whether I can get past Dana enough to give anyone a fair chance this time. It's not like I haven't been in love with two women at the same time before. Never been a practicing poly, though, hadn't been introduced to the concept.
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One of my nieces may be able to get me a computer with a disc drive. With that I could get screencaps again and thus resume reviewing movies. There are movies I am hesitating over because I don't want Dana thinking I chose them to send her pointed messages. They're just movies I wanna review. So when I start again I might pick something safe and innoccuous. Hope not, it's timid...and she's gone (note to self, fucking reminder, she's gone).
Oof. I had some started and lost them when the last computer died. Lost images I was working with too. Have to find out what might have been saved to flash drive.
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Six-thirty in the morning, Saturday 20th, hoping to fall asleep again. I fully believe Dana has turned her back and gone. I have to stop making excuses for her, stop finding reasons to give her the benefit of the doubt.
She sent me something in the mid-Nineties...at least, I think that was her. It was in response to a letter I'd sent. I'd accidentally stumbled across her again and had an address to reach her through so I sent a trial balloon. Would she talk to me? I think it was Dana who replied, her handwriting was on the envelope. What came back was...interpretable, I guess, but it looked to me like the biggest 'go fuck yourself' I've ever had. In essence the message was that I was less than nothing to her, that she would treat me like any other total stranger. I was devastated and sent her back the pictures she'd given me years earlier and wrote out how hurt I was on the back of one of the programs for 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes' at Franklin.
The time it would take for that to reach her passed, and then I had a dream of her backstage at Franklin after a play. She was sobbing, inconsolable - just like I was - the look on her face as she gazed at me broke my heart and made me feel so ashamed.
So, first of all, was that just a dream - was it even her I had tried to correspond with? Will I ever know? Only she knows. If it was her, and if that dream was psychic (it had felt immediate like the ones that turned out psychic, "one of those") then did I misunderstand her intention? Had she meant it as a tentative step toward talking to me, and didn't guess how I would see it? It didn't look like a step forward, it looked like an insult - but was I wrong, was she trying? It haunts me. I still want so much to say I'm sorry (I did say it then) if that's what really happened. So tired of all the guessing and the dreams, torn up by not knowing. If it's all in my head she should tell me. Hell, if it's all in my head what reason could she have not to? Her silence re-enforces that I must have been right about all along.
If that was her, then yes, I do know a number of other things that she needs to hear are okay. But I'd have to be talking with her privately to do that. See, she blocks me from her life = she "protects" herself from the very things that would heal this wound for her, so I too am blocked from ever healing.
This is not thirty years ago. Things have changed for her, and I've finally managed to change how she understands me now. Her reasons back then are not whatever her reasons are now. She sees more clearly, she must. But it hasn't changed her mind and I'm still damned.
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Nice. Just got told by my brother's wife that I have done nothing to help. Like hell I haven't. And if everyone had stopped giving me conflicting instructions every half a week my stuff would be done by now instead of me having had to move it around for no damn reason when I could have been sorting it.
Fights breaking out again about who's taking what, I'm trying to stay out of it. I hope no one was expecting me to lie if someone asks me where a piece went, I'll tell 'em without their commentary - not my battle. That's where tensions are now, people turning hostile and being unnecessarily rude and unreasonable to each other. Would help if more people were doing the work, or if we had more money to cover it.
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I got my Bailey's Irish Cream! Looking forward to trying to relax this evening. It was mom's favorite drink and one of mine. Once I get to New York, then I'll get some Kahlua.
Experimenting, trying out a generic bread pudding recipe. I always told mom to try it with a flavored bread like pumpkin but she wasn't sold on the idea. So I'm trying it now with banana nut bread. Aroma from the oven is nice. (...) Came out maybe too dry at the edges but has a good flavor. Really do need to try it with pumpkin bread someday.
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