I have my ticket to New York, as of this past Wednesday. Overnight, leaving March 13th. Arriving Syracuse Wednesday morning. Will be in this house until the end of February.
One of those long-ago dreams of Dana and I reconciling had us on the road: all my stuff packed into the back of a moving van, she and I in the cab headed from Portland to her home in California. Her father was driving. We had a younger boy with us, in the dream he was a younger brother to Dana. I don't know if she has children in real life. We had just gotten married hours earlier. I wanted that with everything I am.
But I'm going to New York.
In the last post here, I mentioned having recently had two dreams of Dana showing me the past*. They were virtually the same dream - the very same events yet very different in tone. One was a matter of fulfillment and the other very businesslike. I think I get it, but not that I could explain here. I really want to address those dreams, but I don't see any way that I can. Both were about something I know she feels self-conscious about and I think it's a subject she still feels upset over, at least when it comes to approaching me and trusting me with her story. I think it's a block for her, something she wants out of the way but can't bring herself to broach. It's of such a personal nature that I can as yet see no way to allay her concerns in any way that is oblique enough to do publicly. I am sure I had those dreams (UCA) because she is afraid of...ummm...whether or not I can perceive the truth behind them. I don't know how to tell her not to worry. I could if I could still message her privately. Damn, I don't know if even she would grasp what I'm referring to if she were reading this! It's very specific, something she alluded to in a letter once.
Dana has one thing to be ashamed of, and only one: the hateful way she's treated me. And if it's a block, then she doesn't even have that to apologize for. Nothing else ever needed explaining or forgiving. How many ways are there left for me to say that? If this is a choice Dana is making, no excuse or reason will ever be forgivable. I think I deserve to know so that I can get on with my life and start hating her. I have a right to know if she really is the soulless bitch who would make that choice.
***********
It's a leap of faith, Dana, yours to make. What's it worth to you? To not be afraid of facing me anymore, to have me as a friend, to know I understand you, accepting everything, and always backing you? Peace between us? Does it hold any worth to you at all? You keep telling me 'no' with your silence, should I believe that?
You're a mystery. You were afraid our friendship would end so you threw it away. Now you're afraid to tell me things you know I already know.
I'm not a godamn Boy Scout, Dana. I can deal with more than you know, empathize with far more than you think - if I'm given the chance. I know a little more than I have been able to say here. Your life has not been so alien to me as you insist. Would I have fought this hard for you all this time to quail now?? I swear, sometimes it's as if you're afraid I'll actually get it and be sympathetic, like that's what scares you most.
I love you, Dana. I respect you, and I admire you. I cherish you. You move me to be visible, seen where it would be easier to fade away unremembered by the rest of the world. I'm emboldened by you, baffled by you, broken by you. I've stories to tell about you - the first time I saw you smoking a cigarette and feeling jealous at an offhand comment by Sebastian, auditioning with you or the first time I saw you in a play. I remember you rejecting the part of Kitty and wanting to play Mary L., it cost you a part in that one...I've wondered about that, and admired your resolve. I remember you chasing Riga Farzana who grabbed a sketch and ran, and the year-long war between my group of friends and yours in Collins' homeroom at Kellogg (I remember you standing before me, mad as hell and frustrated that no one would take you seriously)...but I've told all these stories multiple times and grown weary of repeating them. Then there are years of dreams and shadows, hints, hopes that died, wishing I could talk with you about all of it and what it meant to you. Give me a new chapter to explore. I long to know the rest. I miss you badly. And above all, past the longing and the hurt, the anger, the nostalgia and the desire to share your present...simply and finally, I love you.
***********
*That's an assumption not based on much, that the dream scenes were from past occasions. If they're from the present, that's perfectly okay. I'm asking Dana to have more faith in me than she could have in '88. I've done my best to earn it. She knows who I am now and what my values are, if she's read my movie reviews and so on.
No comments:
Post a Comment