Sunday March 4th. 8:30 PM
In low spirits, to understate the matter. It feels as if nothing is changing. I'm till tied to it all. Feeling harried by the same loss of time, the same pressures. John's little rant has sat with me now, and it stings worse. That was a very personal moment, leaving my home, a sacred moment and my brother felt licensed to shit all over it. I don't get a do-over. The moment came and went.
Dana I just feel sad about. I wish to god I could hate her but it's never been in me. I'm certain she sees past her own demons now, which she couldn't before...but she must have made a promise to herself years ago that she would never speak to me, and that promise is more important to her than our friendship. All I have asked of her is to speak with me as a friend. She won't even acknowledge that she means something to me. That is a coldness I cannot thaw.
I have been staving off suicidal fantasies. I refuse to go there - and to that end it's good to have had the experience so that I know what to watch out for. If one allows those, it increases the chemical imbalance causing the depression. As I've said before.
The album of my life is skipping.
(Sigh. Fuck. Fucking hell.)
I've added some Milliput Green to the figure, though a little of it was not well mixed, didn't cure, and had to be scraped off again. I've added to the torso, built the collar bone, and begun the shoulders. Now, here's the beginner's temptation: pushing too far and getting discouraged. I told myself going in that I would settle for something simpler in order to just get the shapes right. It would not have to be realistic, I wouldn't worry about musculature. Now here I am doing just that, I couldn't resist. I think I've got the collarbone too low, or the sternum too high. But that's still okay as I'm copying an exaggerated comic book aesthetic anyway. Not sure how far I'll get on the head or whether to attempt it separately and then attach it. See, the attitude of the head will determine the neck muscles. Will I have her facing forward, to the side, head cocked at an angle? Haven't decided. I'll keep the arms straight out and do her palms open and up in a defiant stance, "Look at me, I'm here and I'm not going away." Wonder how well I'll be able to do her face, or what her features will be like. I can do a little more before I pack her for the trip, but not much. I've some sandpaper to smooth her out, no modelling putty (Testors or Squadron) to fill in gaps, no tools. Wire for fingers but - owing to shortsightedness - no wirecutters. I do have an artist's blending tool, a pencil-shaped thing made of paper, which has been perfect for smoothing the Sculpey I used initially. Epoxy putty has a different texture though. Pretty sure the putty should not be baked, so there will be no more clay on this one.
I have some of those 'artist's trading cards', wondering if that's still a thing or if the fad passed. Little 2.5" x 3.5" cards. I started two of them with shots of Sharon Mitchell I snapped off a screen once, from old blurry tapes, no clear detail. Nothing sexually explicit, one profile and one with a hint of nudity as she lies in bed. The profile I think I want to do in watercolor pencils. Not sure I have a brush still unpacked, though...
I've got 'Cloudbusting' stuck in my head, from Kate Bush. Lore took me to her house and we played some of the records I gave her. Might have been a kind of 'saying goodbye' afternoon for her.
We listened to Stevie Nicks, as she'd never before heard the album 'Trouble in Shangri-La', one of my favorites. (well, I say that, but I have four or five Nicks favorites...) I had to listen to Fall From Grace. That one follows what I feel in my heart for Dana - the angry part of it - even if the lyrics don't follow my head. Read the lyrics, but listen to the song: it's in the way Stevie sings it, the pissed-off anguish and caring. Listen to her voice. That's exactly what my heart fucking feels, always.
"Maybe I am calmer now, maybe things are fine
Maybe I made the whole thing up, maybe it isn't a lie
Maybe the reason I say these things is to bring you back alive
Maybe I fought this long and this hard just to make sure you survive"
The only part that's off is that I believe Dana is a survivor. A hardened one, maybe, but I know she can get by without me. I don't really fear that...but damn her for not even wanting me there.
Actually, I did dream that she was suicidal one night in...late 90s? Early 00s? I felt called to her side...I was a disembodied spirit and I realized what was about to happen..she was alone in her house in the hills late in the night, all the lights on, in her living room. She was writing a goodbye letter to me, and although she didn't realize I was there I was able to make her hand stop moving. Prevented from saying goodbye to me, she couldn't go through with the rest. The dream had the distinct feel and intensity of being "one of those", but I'll never know if it was just a dream or if it was psychic - if I really was there and it happened.
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